Messy Authenticity in Stifling Environments
This is a bit of a pondering self-analytical post, but bear with me as the point is, I think, a really important reflection on enabling ones true self.
I'm talented at being what others want me to be. Being what is pleasing. Highlighting specific parts of my varied personality, to create the desired picture. To fit the ideals.
I don't know if this personality trait is from dealing with my mother, from being a mixed race kid trying to fit into different worlds growing up, being a council estate kid attending an elite private school, or simply the desire to please/the fear of negative judgement almost certainly originating from my youth as an Asian child prodigy who ultimately didn't become anything resembling lawyer/doctor/president. (soz again, mum!)
Regardless: because of this trait, being in environments that don't align with my true values, that don't provide a safe and encouraging space for authenticity and diversity - is dangerous for me. I lose my true voice, in trying instinctively to contort, filter, edit myself into what is expected of me. Because I'm so good at it, a real skill of survival, I don't always notice I'm doing it, and seemingly thrive in the environment.
It's not dishonesty, it's important to add - I'm not confessing neither am I self-berating.
It's social consciousness and adjusting oneself in a way that we all do; at dinner with the in-laws, when going to a job interview, when out on the town with the crew being straight-up g's etc. The filters are necessary - we wisely don't always present 100% of all the facets of our personalities.
This editing is coming from a place of understanding and identifying the 'Ideals' in the environment, identifying that particular status quo, be it a person, a job, a community, a social group. And then matching them. An insightful, chameleonic ability to thrive, by prizing the ideals of others over one's own. But when unchecked, and as part of a loss of identity, it's destabilizing. Particularly detrimental if there is a notable, regular source.
And then, when I stop partaking in it, when I remove myself from it altogether - my true voice is always right there. Just, there. It's bizarre how clear and immediate it is - feels like taking off a bra at the end of a long day - when I remove the internal pressure on myself to be externally viewed in some way.
So, my utterly unasked-for but hopefully helpful advice to anyone finding themselves in this situation. You may not know, or be sure the source. It's easier to sense its' presence in your life by checking your own feelings: if you are feeling lacking, or needing validation, or struggling creatively, feeling overly self conscious - take a look at the environments you are in. Really carefully and intently, be honest about if you are feeling YOU in those in environments. And, if you aren't, remove yourself from them.
Simple, right? *upside down smilemoji*
But if you can't do so (because of family, money etc) then be super mindful, and try and counter this destabilizing presence by removing your sense of identity from the equation. By spending more time in environments in which you feel free, and unjudged by yourself or others. Lean into those. But (again, if you are able) do not be afraid to be brutal in removing influences that trigger your chameleonic or people-pleasing tendencies - prioritising yourself in this way will pay off, always.
Messy authenticity over the polished edit. Every time.